You Know Who You Are...

to: K
from: L
unsubscribe to my effin blog.
have a great life!

! wish...

(let's play finish the sentance!) :)


...i didn't have to decide whether to eat or not.
...I could help you
...you could do it on your own
...life could be perfect
...i could take the pain away
...i wasnt so human!
...I had more starbucks ...
...there wasn't so much drama
...everyone could learn from my mistakes
...everyone could see the world as me for one day
...you the best
...you're happy
...you find who you are
...you would love me like you love her.
...for attention (and i'm not going to deny this one!)
...I was that robot who floats in space making cookies
...i had A REALLY BIG SLUSHIE.

I wish I could understand. I wish you could understand.
But you can't seem to, so I can't either.


(many people being referred to, not just one. Sorry for the inconvience!) 
=)

I Can Steal Your Heart Away .

Lyrics: 


I saw you talking on the phone
I know that you are not alone
But you steal my heart away
Yeah you steal my heart away

You’re acting like you’re on your own
But I saw you standing with a girl
Stop tryn’ to steal my heart away,
Stop tryn’ to steal my heart away

I don’t know where we going
I don’t know who we are

I can feel your heartbeat 
He said to me
I can feel your heartbeat
Running through me
Feel your heartbeat
She said
I can feel your heartbeat
She said to me
I can feel your heartbeat
She said to me
I can feel your heartbeat
She said to me
I can feel your heartbeat
Running through me
Heartbeat
Feel your heartbeat

Maybe it’s the way you move
You got me dreaming like a fool
That I can steal your heart away
I can steal your heart away

No matter what it is you think
I’m not the kind of girl you think
And give my heart away
Stop tryin’ steal my heart away

...I don’t know where we going
I don’t know who we are
Feels like we are flowing
High above the stars, the stars, the stars, the stars
...Stop stealing my heart away
Talk to me girl
Stop stealing my heart away
Give it to me boy
Stop stealing my heart away
Say it to me girl
You’re stealing my heart away

Stop stealing my heart away 
Your heartbeat.




I have no idea if anyone know who this song's about ... but I thought I would put it up anyways. The song is one of my all-time faveourites - Heartbeat by Enrique Iglasias and Nicole Scherzinger.

A Little Understanding

(Please don't read unless you want to hear me talk about what happened on Friday. Thanks!) and if your name begins with a K , I really need you to read this, love. 








Understanding is a complicated word. Google defines it as: "Sympathetically aware of other people's feelings; tolerant and forgiving: 'people expect us to be understanding'." 


In french: compréhension
in polish: zrozumienie
in dutch: inzicht
in Italian: comprensione
in Lithuanian: supratimas
in Slovak: porozumenie
and Romanian: înţelegere.



I'm trying to help, I swear.
I just don't know what you want me to say or do when you're not open to my help.
I can't do anything if you won't accept an idea.

I regret leaving this time, but you don't know how long I searched.
Just ask my art teacher. I went everywhere looking for you, and I couldn't sit still when I had to sit in class. I couldn't leave class right away because I needed instruction on what was happening with a project. You don't know how much I wanted to leave class so quickly.

Imagine my face - running to the chapel because I was FINALLY out of class. Then finding you not there.
Mr.Ed didn't know where you went. You weren't signed out. You weren't in class.
You weren't in any of the bathrooms. Any hallway. Or the forum. Or Guidance.
Nowhere.

I searched for you, and I  was worried sick.
Please, don't ever tell me again that I don't understand. I know I don't understand, but I'm doing my best.
Please, don't ever tell me that I don't care about you, or push me away. I'm doing the best with what I've got. I was so, so worried about you. And then you told me I didn't care about you?
Please, don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I already know that.

Understand that I'm doing the best with what I have.
Understand that there are people who love you TO DEATH.
Understand that although some stupid-ass boy decides to come into your life,  you . are . strong .
Understand that I love you to bits.

And I end with a song:

Cause what you don't understand is

I’d catch a grenade for ya 

Throw my hand on a blade for ya 

I’d jump in front of a train for ya 

You know I'd do anything for ya 

...

I would go through all this pain,

Take a bullet straight through my brain,

Yes, I would die for ya baby. 

song used: Grenade - Bruno Mars

Some Words that Help..

This is an email my Aunt sent to me via email the day after the worst day of my month:

"Good morning Miss Moon!
(...)The world is full of horrible negative energy. It will eat you. It will suffocate you and it will kill you. If you focus on it. The amazing thing about negative energy is that it is destroyed by positive energy.(...)The boogey man exists for small children - up until the day they say "you don't exist" and *poof*, he's gone to torture some other kid who cowers under his blankets in fear listening for him. Xenophilius Lovegood truly believed the crumple horned snorkack existed and found TONS of research to prove it. It didn't make it so. Here's your choice: are you going to focus on negative or positive??? I walked to work today. The birds were singing their little hearts out, the forest smelled like life. There was a man walking his puppy. He looked irritated and rushed. I grinned at him and told him his puppy was absolutely adorable. He walked away with a smile and a slight spring in his step. All along king street, in the busiest morning traffic, the birds are out there making wonderful music. When I was listening to them, I couldn't hear the cars on the expressway. The grass was bent over with perfect giant beads of water sparkling in the morning light. So - do I walk to work with my head hung down because it's grey and cloudy again and my feet are getting wet and I have to go to work? Always my choice. My power. So choose. Daily. Are you going to walk around and pull negative energy toward you and bring everyone around you into your darkness? Or are you going to focus all your white light and positive energy and help others around you to pull out of their darkness? It's your choice. Every minute of every day. If you focus on a poltergeist following you, he will become real. If you focus on positive energy, all negative energy will be squashed away from you. I guarantee it. 
(...)Light beats dark every single time. Walk into a pitch black room. Light a match. Darkness runs away from you. Be the moon. Be the light in the darkness. Be positive, happy and focus on the good things. Darkness will run away from you. Light will follow you and you will be able to help others to escape the dark. Shine, Lyd, Shine. 
Love you like a crazy
L "

<3 love you too! 

A Slap in the Face, Perhaps?

In the words of a psychic I saw on Sunday: "Everything is in divine and perfect order"

You'll all be happy to know that I'm sick of this.
I'm going to change this. Everything happens for a reason, and I just need to understand what lesson there is to be taken away from this.

So what, my life is shitty? It's never been a competition and it never will be again. I have my problems.
It's not what you do with your problems, it's how you plan on getting over everything and moving forward.

So what, I was really suicidal? I'm not saying I'm completely over it, but everyone has been. It's not about what you feel towards yourself, it's whether or not you're going to be able to get yourself out of your situation.

So what, I don't eat? Not that it's normal to not eat - it's a method of control. I'm proud of myself for realizing that it's a method of control. Now that I'm working on controlling the rest of my life - maybe my eating will get better?

So what, I've had a tough road? I've talked to survivors, and I will be one.

I am not a coward.
I am not going to hide.
I'm going to be me, and I'm going to do this right.


Guess what I did today?
I got a job today, so on my way home I bought a LARGE iced capp and a refillable timmies mug.
...I smiled all the way home.
Not only am I drinking something completely against my eating patterns, but I'm saving the environment as well as getting a FREAKIN JOB. holyshit.

This is a turning point. Follow me if you want, get annoyed with me if you don't want to watch me.
I'm going to turn this around. It's my life.



I'm worthless
I'm not worth any tears
I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm good without the statements. Let me be myself <3

I am not a coward.

Well thanks, world.
You've done it once again.
I begged you to not let me get sucked back into any insanity, but of course I have proven to myself to be truly insane. And it's because of you.

Family, you're funny. Honestly, how do you expect me to react to all this bullshit you're putting me through right now. Am I supposed to be my normal, prissy little self, because I think not. You overestimate me all the time, and this is just another one of these times.

But for you (different person reference) I don't know where I would be without you right now. Thank you.

These pictures in my head. Of pain, of suffering, of remorse, of death. They all remind me of life, and how it has to keep moving forward. If I don't want it to move forward, it must be ended. But I see that as a coward way out, and would only be helping my mother win.

I do not hide
I am not a coward.

And I will prove it to you.
I will keep myself alive,
I will find a way to keep living ,
and I will move past all this, and truly become a better person.
But I can't do it without you.

Don't make me do it without you.
I'm scared of failure.

Life Isn't a Competition

Everything revolves around you
I feel like a complete bitch when I say that you should be more upset then you are.
I can feel the energy coming off you - I know you're not upset.
i can't even believe you, K doesn't deserve this -.-


And you , for hiding! Honestly, what good is that going to do. I don't understand or know your past, but whatever happened doesn't mean that there is any need for drastic measures. You have people who love you, that should be enough to get you though - I know it's enough for me right now.
I want you to come back, you can't be gone. I will not be okay if you're not here anymore with us. I don't know how selfish I sound when I say this, but I don't know if I can see someone succeed in what I can't do. If that makes sense. It's going to strike me as so, so real and I don't know how I would react...


Life isn't about a competition between who has the most problems. It should be about who can be the better person,  however different that may be.
I am my own person, I will forever be .


I am not a coward .

I'm Not Worth Your Tears

Time has run out, for me.
Everything's distant and I don't know what to believe.
It's so hard, lost in the world confusion.
And I need to leave, for a while.
Life is so meaningless, there is nothing worth a smile.
So goodbye, I'll miss you.

And I'm sorry, but this is my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.

It's been the years, of abuse.
Neglected to treat the disorder,
That controls my youth, for so long.
I'm in a fleshy tomb, buried up above the ground.
It's no use, why should I hold on?
It's been five years, don't need one more.
So goodbye, life's abuse.

And I'm sorry, but this is my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.

And I'm sorry, but this my fate.
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.
I'm not worth any tears.

Songs used:

Jamestown Story - Goodbye (I'm sorry)

Brick By Boring Brick

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies

Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle x2
Ba da ba da ba

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
or the wolves gonna blow it down

Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle x2

woah woah

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle x2
Ba da ba da ba...




I care about you. Too much. I don't know why or how, but there's some sort of connection. I don't want you to have pain on you at all, and at the same time I would take the pain you're enduring anyday to have it off your shoulders. I want to help you bury the castle, and make a new life for yourself. I want to be that person you come to, and that person that you can see everyday and never get tired of. I don't know what the hell's wrong with me, but this is just how I feel. 
Life shouldn't be about hiding, but so many of us do it so very constantly that it becomes normal. 






song - Brick By Boring Brick : Paramore . 

I Could Really Use a Wish Right Now..

Can we pretend that airplaines in the night sky are like shooting stars?

Let's get this straight. The world? it isn't perfect.
Anyone who's reading this - i apologize if i ticked you off the past couple of days, I've been feeling really off, kind of beside myself..

Let me tell you a story of a girl,
She feels alone, like she's doing all the wrong things in her life. But she doesn't want to go back to the place where she once was. She likes living a life of uncertainty, but hates having to be alone. She's most vulnerable when she's alone.
She's sad that you have gone. But she is happy that she is strong enough to live without you.
She is upset that a person in particular has not tried to help her more, but happy that he decided to stay away and not nag. She wants help, but she doesn't know for what...


Lust
If you could bring yourself to see
By your utterly blind eyes
How much she pays, what a fee
The wall behind which she cries

Cries for others who have lost
The battles that were surrendered
Those silent lines that were crossed
Heroes have been rendered

For nothing is more important as getting through
But by your blindness, I cannot see
If only you could take a fucking clue
And see what you really mean to me.


But you don't care, so why should I?



Song: Airplaines -B.o.B. feat. Hayley Williams
***Person #1 being referred to in all of this,. 

You'll Never Be Me/My Beautiful Disaster

Lyrics/rant/poem ... thingy.



The Contrast

You and me are two very different things,
although I've been told we're alike.
I'm watching while you pull your little strings
even though it's to my utter dislike.

Hurt and mislead they sprawl
They don't find it alright
Even though I warn them all
To stay away from your bite

You and me have contrast
We're really nothing alike
Anyone, you could have asked.
they'll give you one more strike.



Who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars,
collecting your jar of hearts
and tearing love apart.


You don't understand me, and you never will. You don't get to understand me, and you never will. I no longer have any faith in you whatsoever. I would say goodluck with your life, but I'm not sure you even deserve that. There's so much I want to bring to your attention, but I couldn't bring myself to see the pain etched on your face if I had started with what I really have to say.
You're a liar. I can't believe you would do this to someone as good of a person as her.She may have her faults as well, but you have far greater ones.
You're an attention-seeker. A sneak. You tell people what you want them to hear and make them say "oh my gosh, you've had a hard road!!" when in reality, you only have about half as much as we all do on our shoulders.
You think you've got it so tough, but look around you. There are people that are so far gone, and all they want to do is scream. You're just putting people under your little spell. Sure you've had an eating disorder. How the hell do you get binge diagnosed??? family doctors don't even do it. i dont understand how you could even bother!!

Let's change the subject before my brain explodes like a Cadbury Creme Egg (which is really good in a McFlurry btw)


I've refered to him as Person #1 in a different post, so I'll come back to him as such.

I walked the same path as before, but this time I went backwards.
The path we took that day, I'm undoing everything. You can't hold me back any more.
Thank you for being there for me when you decided to be at least,
I apologize for not being more for your methods of "help". You are a help, when you want to be. I'm sorry that you can't help me more,  but I'm afraid I'm a little too far gone.

This is something I wrote a while back:

The Quiet Screams the Truth
I don't want to fall into you
You are all I'm holding onto
I don't want to be alone
Every day I see your face
I wish I could disappear
I'll try even if it kills me
If it didn't case so much pain
I'd be done with you, but I can't
Always comes back to you
You're the start of my end
You're my beautiful Disaster
I've fallen so deep you can't pull me out
I'm hopeless, lost, forgotten
Only when I'm alone.
I mourn the loss of you, and myself
I'm the ghost of a girl that I want to be most
The shell of a girl that I used to know well
It's too late to apologize
You've got me running in circles
I can't tell youe verything.
I want a redo, do over, second chance
I go back to December all the time
You are my never again
I don't want things to go back
I'm on my own in a sea of troubles
What would you say if I died tonight?
Everything's okay, until I'm alone.
I'll make my own path without tresspassers
you've everything....
....and I can't have you.





Jar of hearts - Christina Perri
The Lonely - Christina Perri
Apologize - OneRepublic
(song used)

The Drama that comes along with Royalty.

Small Poem:

you think you're the mighty queen

you're the lowest I've ever seen

You push and shove

You give us no love

Hearts have been broken,

to you, just a small token.

What made you think we care for you

and all of the little stunts that you do

Tell me this: 

Who do you think you are?

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

and tearing love apart.

Song used:  Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

Let's Change Something.

A Rant that makes sense:

casual blog ...

I realized something today. Life is so much more then us. 

Every laugh, song, breath, and step is still a gift. And I'm not Catholic - I don't even define my religion. I just realized that life is not about relationships, making out, or seeing how far you've gone. It's about having fun and doing what you think is right.

I figured out when I posted my new facebook profile picture that I really didn't care how many times someone pressed that "like" button, or how many comments I received from people saying how pretty they think I look. I realized its not about that, it's about you yourself loving the picture of you that you have posted.

I got my haircut today, and that doesn't seem like a big deal, but I got it done how I WANTED to get it done, not what anyone else wanted me to do. I realized that this is how I need to act everyday, and how I should make my decisions. Screw everyone else, this is still my life and I can make my decisions. 

That boy, we're going to call him Boy#1. If you don't already understand from my previous posts, he has been in my life for a while, and I have really truly gotten to the point of loving him. And "love" is not a word I use often. I found out a while back that I really and truly had such strong feelings for him that it blew my brain away and seemed like nothing else mattered anymore. It doesn't matter what happened to lead me to this point, only that I was so falling for him that it hurt. 

And I felt - and still feel - like I'm never good enough for him. He is always picking someone else over me, and that hurts me alot, but at the same time I realize that it is what makes him happy and that's really all I want. 

YEAH I KNOW, "wow she's being such a dramaqueen" but , seriously, I've heard girls throw around that statement "i just want him to be happy" so much that I really know when to use it and mean it truly and really. 

I realized today that life is not about him, and it isn't about trying to make him like me at all, and I shouldn't have to need him to get by. I think tonight is a turning point, and I don't want to give up any time soon. I want to push through the rest of this, get done what I want to get done and just move on with my life. 

This is my path, no one else's . let's change it for the better and see what happens .

Look At What You've Done.

Rant:

Do you see what you've done to me?
I don't even know who I am any more.

What do I do when you were my only purpose, and now I figured out that I don't need you?

I was almost caught purging. She might suspect me, but I don't want her to know.
Psycological problems probably are the cost of this, but it's all in the name of beauty - inner and outer.

I don't even understand what I did wrong, how could you not like me? I'm always the one being here for you, and wanting you to be happy, yet you can't accept that I might be the best thing for you. I want you to be happy so much, it's something I would be willing to give my life for.

I'd catch a grenade for ya.

Yes, that's me.

And you're happier without me, so I gave up.
I gave up on everything. On you. On aspects of school.
I can't focus
I can't eat
I can't sleep

When I do sleep, my dreams are haunted by you. You've everywhere and I see you.

I don't care about anything. It's just me now.

This face, this mask that I put on, it's one of beauty. It is true beauty but it's really not me.

WATCH ME WHEN I'M ALONE
I'm different then...I'm different when I'm in silence. 

Ghost of A Girl

Song Lyrics (song list below):

Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer

-

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

-

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence 
Cryin scares me cause it screams the truth 
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation 
I won't remember, save your breath, 'cos what's the use? 

Aahh, the dawn is calling? 
And it whispers to me softly come and play 
Aahh, I am falling 
And If I let myself go I'm the only one to blame 

-

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

-

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

Help, I'm alive - Metric

The Lonely - Christina Perri

Sober - P!nk

Jar Of Hearts - Christina Perri

White Horse - Taylor Swift

Let's Move Past It and You Can Forget Me.

3- minute rant:


Don't talk. You don't know her story. It's a troubled one, with twists and turns and falls and fails. These things she can not escape. She's never going to win, but dive into this sea of nothingness until she finally emerges with more of herself then she had before. It's happened before, and history tends to repeat itself.

You think you know her, but she isn't you. You can't tell her what she feels everyday, but its more then what you know. She is troubled by her past and her future. She starves, she purges, she cuts. She wants to just leave, but she can't because the ropes of pain and mistrust tie her down and make her feel more then what she needs. She hates where she has gotten to, but she knows that there's only up to go from here.

She explains herself to you, but you'd never know her whole story. She's so much more then she can explain on paper. She feels like nothing can ever be said about her and be truthful.

She hates when people around her make jokes about eating disorders, or when someone overreacts to somenoe else's cutting. She doesn't want that attention on her, so she hides once more. Says she's eating when she's really not.

If you knew her story you'd think differently
If you knew her story you wouldn't look at her the same
If you knew her story you would say she was crazy
If you knew her story you would call it no big deal
If you knew her story you would still never understand
If you knew her story she would get too much attention
If you knew her story ...

she wouldn't like you.

She regrets telling people about herself, because they watch with careful eyes at what she will do next. What is she to do when she is watched? She wants to just crawl back to her starvation, but she does not want to disappoint anyone.

She is lost,
and she forgot to turn on the light.